“I just want to die. Why did you bring me into the world?” I sobbed to my parents as I reached breaking point. I was sitting on the couch, a rare moment when I had left my bed for the day, clutching a box of tissues with tears streaming down my face.
In 2013, after months of deep and severe depression that left me sleeping the days away, not able to work or see friends, I had become increasingly agitated with suicidal thoughts. In addition to this, I had begun to think of ways to end my life and was overwhelmed with images of self-harm, which I managed to stop by speaking about it to my family.
I was simply in so much pain that the thought of it being taken away, led me to think seriously about my place in this world. In the previous days, I was avoiding the world, sleeping most of the day and hiding in my bed. Simple tasks like laundry and cooking overwhelmed me. The idea of a shower left me feeling vulnerable. I wasn’t speaking to my friends, I ignored my phone. I didn’t want to watch TV or go on social media. I was simply not functioning well at all.
As difficult as it was for my parents to hear that I was suicidal, they knew why this was happening. They could talk to me, tell me they loved me and wanted to help. They could support me with seeing a doctor and upping my dosage of anti-depressant medication. I am lucky to have a supportive family who were experienced with mental health issues. Speaking to them about the thoughts of ending my life and the ideas of self-harm that my brain was intent on replaying, saved my life.
I was diagnosed with Bipolar Affective Disorder (Type 1) in 2004 when I was 16 years old. Bipolar is a mood disorder which creates depressive-low and manic-high mood states, and it runs in my family. The diagnosis I have is the most serious and can lead to psychosis and hospitalisation. I had gone through bad depressions before and despite being on mood-stabilising medications, this was the worst depression I had ever faced.
My parents told me they loved me. We all speculated that my main medication for bipolar disorder was not working. This is probably why my depressive episode got as bad as it did, I needed to be on a different medicine and this was eventually changed.
I was lucky that despite my suicidal ideation, I knew that I was not going to take my own life. This was down to a few things. Firstly, my support network and incredible family who did not react with stigma but realised I was very ill and needed help from my psychiatrist. They didn’t get angry and they didn’t expect of me what could not be done. They listened and were there for me.
It was hard for my family to understand the amount of emotional pain and grief I felt day to day. I felt like my life was ending and my hope was waning. What kept me going was my love for my family, but also my faith.
I didn’t know why God had given me this test and why I had bipolar since I was a teenager. I just knew that I did not really want to die at the age of 24. I just wanted the pain to go. The emotional state that came and caused havoc in my life was overbearing. Deep down I believed life was a gift, I just didn’t want my current life.
There had been a few triggers for me. My grandmother died a few months earlier, my parents had divorced and we had moved from my childhood home several times. I finished a master’s degree, the pressures tipped me into my depression and I was too anxious to hold down work. I was on the wrong medication. I was also single at the time. With bipolar, environmental stressors and well as brain chemistry can cause the depressive or manic states.
I do believe that if I was more isolated and hadn’t opened up to my family, I might not be here today. I feel eternally grateful to my parents and step-father who let me say those difficult things to them, but knew that it was the illness talking and not Eleanor.
I was lucky to have insight at this time and to have support from a good medical team, who came to my home. We were able to manage this episode at home, with new medication and therapy.
Being Jewish can mean that you might feel guilty for feeling suicidal, as there is so much emphasis on Chaim - life. I found knowing that God was with me, helped me get well again too. My message to others would be: you should never feel guilty, depression is an illness.
What can you do if a loved one has suicidal thoughts or is in crisis and urgently needs treatment?
1. Listen calmly. When someone is feeling suicidal, their emotions are heightened and they can be prone to anger or upset. It’s really important to listen to them respectfully and calmly, without prejudice.
2. Ask them what help they need. Involve the person in their treatment and recovery. This could be getting an emergency GP appointment or home visit or if they are in psychiatric treatment, an urgent visit or appointment with their psychiatrist.
If the person is at crisis point, threatening to take their own life and self-harming, call the ‘Crisis Team’ who will be at your local mental health unit or in urgent cases go to A&E if out of hours.
3. Hide tablets and any sharp implements the person could use to harm themselves. Alcohol should also be hidden. Monitor the person’s use of the internet in a respectful manner.
4. Do not use stigmatised language. It’s ok for the person to feel this way, your role is to support them to reach recovery.
5. If your loved one refuses help or medication, continue to get advice from the GP or a psychiatrist. In urgent cases, your loved one can be hospitalised but this will depend on their symptoms.
Check out Eleanor's blog at www.beurownlight.com
